My Story

Have you ever felt there was more? More to life? More to who you are? Just more?

That was me. I had what seemed like all I could have ever wanted. a successful business, beautiful home and loving relationship but something just felt "off". In an attempt to understand this feeling more I peeled back the layers, and continued to, reveal my true self. 

I experienced a difficulty with hearing in my left ear, leaving me half living external from myself and the other half fully in my head. I embraced the daydreaming part of my mind fully which as a young child felt that anything was possible. I saw the world differently and I felt it. I felt as if all I ever wanted from life was out of reach and within another world that didn't really exist. My physical body developed early and fully and I had learnt that my female body could be used for dishonest and manipulating situations quickly. I then went on to experience unwanted attention that came in different forms from being bullied, to experiencing inappropriate behaviour, and receiving overwhelming compliments. I knew that if I behaved a certain way I could get what I wanted or change someone’s opinions of me. Which meant I disconnected from my body, I disrespected it my own body and being.

I was forever dreaming of the magical escape. The kind of escape that gives you adventure and freedom. Where I was so connected to nature that I grew roots . Yet I was taught to be sensible and to dream within the limitations of what was expected. I went to school and college, did somewhat well. You know, what was expected from a daydreamer like me and I started my first business in the beauty industry at the age of 22. Which was straight after a year of travelling and this seemed like a “right” thing to do. I mean it was impressive to own a business at that age. I built and ran that business for 15 years and whilst I learnt a lot of incredible skills I couldn’t shift the feeling that I was meant for more. Meant for some kind of magic that wasn’t within reach. I kept myself small to remain safe. Safe! My relationship with safety had been a turbulent one. One that I have rejected time and time again until I discovered that I have been wanting a feeling of safety from the moment I began this lifetime. I learnt that being safe was to be unsafe. To disconnect from my body, from my intuition, from my magic. I learnt that when I disconnected from myself I left myself wide open for manipulation, for disregard and disrespect. And that quickly became the template in how I treated myself . I learnt not to trust myself, to not express myself. To not be honest with myself or others. I learnt it was much safer to do what was expected of me rather than what aligned with me. 

The older I grew the more disconnected I became from my body’s wisdom, my inner knowing. I got really good at manoeuvring through life living in the head, calculating my moves and assessing my actions to get by. It wasn’t until I worked with an embodiment coach that I realised how far removed I had been from this wisdom. My first session with her opened an opportunity for my unconscious to show me what I had been ignoring in myself all along and for the first time speaking up about something that I have never spoken about before. It hit me that day, I finally acknowledged that this disconnection meant I had been living a life that wasn’t my own. I showed up in life how I was expected to, living by others beliefs of me. And…if you’re anything like me…you did the kicking and screaming that “no one understands me”, “I’m alone”, “nobody ever gets me”. That’s because I didn’t get me.  I didn’t know who I was, I was going about my day having a distorted idea of the person I thought I was yet I couldn’t share with the world who I really was in fear that it would ruin all that I had created, all that I was and all that was expected of me. Who am I without someone else’s beliefs and idea of me? So by living in that fear for many years, not doing anything too wild or adventurous through fear that my entire world could come crashing down I decided it was time to own my own shit! Own my life, own who I am, fully, with all my flaws. So I purposely crashed my own life, I dismantled each section of my life and journeyed into my new phase in order to become fully me.

This was the time to put the work in. I decided I wanted to honour and love my body. To understand it on a much deeper level than I ever have before and allow the wisdom of my whole self to shine through….sounds easy huh? Well, it came with challenges as my mind had got so used to not caring about my body that encouraging a seamless relationship was bumpy and I am still working on it every day. The only relationship that truly matters in life is the one you have with yourself. When I am in flow with all the parts of me, life comes with ease. 

Living this way created a belief, a fear that I had nothing to offer the world. That I don’t have any value to bring to clients. And then…it hit me. That’s it! Having a story of not feeling enough, not feeling safe enough to express to the world, not feeling magical but still overcoming the challenges that have been presented to me. I went from running a successful beauty business for 15 years to selling it, selling all of my belongings and moving into a self-converted campervan with my partner and two cats into a journey of the unknown. How does someone that has been searching for safety her entire life end up taking a risk that big? I connected, and I mean fully connected to myself, my wisdom, the knowledge of my body and my true values. I have been searching for a feeling of freedom and adventure for as long as I can remember. And I broke the mould. I stepped out of the box that I have been living in to grow and become my own version of magic. I became me. 

I stopped following the ideas that others placed on my life, I stepped away from the expectations of what I should be doing and realised that I get to choose the person I am and the one I will become. I get that choice, because no one can ever really know what’s best for you. I went from feeling alone, utterly alone to feeling full. Full of all the things that can happen. I filled myself up with my close relationships, with my bodies wisdom, my mind and my magical spirit. I fill myself up with every moment because I decided to change that story of being alone to being everything, all of me.